Discover, Learn, Forget, Re-Learn, Repeat

There is a great big, giant glitch in my learning process. And it's starting to piss me off.  I seem to have to keep learning the same lesson over and over. Huge personal shifts came about when I began interviewing and sharing people's stories over 19 years ago.  It took a few years to realize what was happening, but I was being changed. I was learning self-acceptance and the joy of being surrounded by diversity just by hearing all those stories.  And that changed my life in countless ways. 

Next came a nudge from the universe when it dropped an incredible mentor in my lap.  I was seated next to her at a writer's get-together and couldn't concentrate as I could literally feel her energy.  I was nowhere near as spiritual as she was, had no idea even how to find my chakras, but for I think five years her guidance helped me grow in incredible ways.  Then one day I knew it was time to move on.  It took me a year to follow through as I knew I would have to be responsible for my own spiritual journey, but I finally stepped away.

Two things have led to life being challenging ever since, and I have slid backwards in so many areas.  The first was leaving my mentor whose support kept me on track without a lot of effort on my part. I just didn't fill the empty space with a solid habit or other type of support. I got lazy, and have been paying the price.  The second came with the COVID lockdown. I quit doing face-to-face interviews and moved to email Q and A's. There are many things better about the email interviews, but I  miss being in a room listening to someone and connecting with their energy.

So the 2 things that helped me grow were no longer there.  And it has proven a challenge to take personal responsibility for finding new support or creating new habits and sticking with them. It is so easy to put off exercising, meditating, reading personal growth books, or taking classes.  It is easy to procrastinate.  What is forgotten when this happen is the pieces of gold I carry in my pocket, wisdom accumulated over time, began to disappear.  Life shifts. Inner light dims.  Focus is lost, and I have forgotten who I am and why I am here.

Over the last year I struggled. My confidence has been evaporating. While I am able to keep writing, the magic and creative energy was getting harder and harder to connect with.  One day I realized how long it had been since I had felt inspired. Then I had to send in a piece of writing for a challenge that I knew just wasn't good enough. It was lacking that special sauce that turns good writing into art. Of course, the first thing the negative inner voice threw out was maybe it's time to walk away. Or in simple terms - you are no longer good enough.

Yesterday I decided it was time to address what was happening.  I decided starting the next day, today, I would change how I moved through my day right from the start.  I would spend the first few hours with a different outlook. Then I just followed the crumbs.  First I decided to read a chapter in a new memoir I had started called Aging Wildly by Linda Edgecombe.  There it was. I realized I had let most of the lessons I learned from interviewing and my mentor slip away. I simply quit thinking about them.  

Next I checked out what was trending on my blog, and was floored to see an article asking, "What do you want to do with your one wild and crazy life," was getting attention. How strange is that?  I read through that article and the universe threw out the same hint yet again.  I had forgotten what I already learned. It is time to remember. Time to get my focus back, to move through my days intentionally and embrace the life lessons already in my arsenal.  It seems I am stuck in a loop where I discover, learn, forget, and re-learn on repeat. It's time to break the cycle.

While deep in thought, my muse suddenly appeared from out of nowhere and whispered in my ear. It had been so long. I have missed her so.  An idea for a poem speaking to what I was feeling arose. I went to the computer and let it flow.  Does this mean I know whether I will keep writing?  No.  What it does offer is  in this moment I have found hope that I can get back on the path and follow the signs without expectation.  I'll simple let go and see where the future leads me.