The Mirror of a True Friend

The internet is a beautiful place at times. An idea, an image, a quote and more can pop up unbidden during my day and land in my heart. This happened the other day when I stumbled onto a page with African proverbs. There were many I enjoyed, but only one that stood out. It talked about true friends.

"...a true friend is like a mirror, showing you what you cannot see by yourself..."

This universal truth has been presented to me in many different ways over the last few years. I've heard it not from just one single voice, but from a multitude - quotes, books, speakers, family. I remember chatting with a friend many years ago. She shared a similar proverb which went something like, "...you can only see yourself through the eyes of another..." Slightly different approach, but the same destination. 

I spent so many years feeling inadequate and broken.  When you don't fit into your environment as a child, having a distorted view of self is worth inevitable. When you are a part of a large family group with strong beliefs, ones you don't share, these feelings are then amplified.  I hid what I assumed was my broken self for so long, sure if people knew the real me they wouldn't like me.  It wasn't until I began interviewing others my view began to change. Their stories of choosing unique lives, of bucking societal pressure and embracing a life of their choosing affected me deeply. They gave me permission to embrace and love myself for who I was, instead of who I could be.

Slowly I moved towards self-acceptance. It wasn't easy the and to be honest, it still isn't easy now at times. No one can be harder on me than I am. Mistakes I made over the years have a habit of bubbling up unbidden to haunt me in the wee hours when I cannot sleep. I continue to move forward by embracing the truth I have been given. I am exactly who I am meant to be. I am not broken. I deserve to live a life that gives me joy.  And most important of all, it's okay to not be perfect. 

While doing the work to banish my inner demons, I was surprised to make another discovery. As my work drew me more and more into the public eye, I kept a close eye on my ego. I absolutely did not want to be put on a pedestal in any way. I didn't want to become one of those people who felt entitled. I had witnessed many times how those held up began to believe the hype, and then were devastated later when public opinion turned. As a result, any compliments that came my way I deflected onto others who helped me.  I stepped back out of the limelight time and time again, happily pushing someone else forward.

Then the day came when one of my true friends looked me in the eye and spoke the truth. She shared with great honestly that while I was great at generously giving compliments and uplifting others, I was ungenerous when it came to receiving the same gifts. She was right, one hundred percent. While I was still determined to NOT become someone who felt entitled, I realized I needed to learn how to not only give, but receive. It was time to learn how to accept a compliment.

I started by practicing silence. When someone honored me by saying something nice, I would

pause, take a deep breathe, hold my lips shut tight so I couldn't speak, and simply smile.  I could literally feel my insides squirming. Once that passed and I had let go of the need to verbally negate the compliment, I found a way to simply say thank-you. The first time I implemented this tactic, this same friend was nearby and offered a lovely smile. She knew my internal battle and the effort it took to change my response.

Learning to accept compliments with gratitude was a slow, but steady process. Surprisingly, there was a gift to be found as I moved forward.  I was always so hard on myself. Despite my best efforts, I still seemed to focus mostly on my flaws and the many ways I fell short. This is where the quote of seeing myself in a mirror held up by true friends became crucial. It offered me a view from the outside looking inward, a view way kinder than the one I has been embracing. 

My friends saw things in me I wasn't aware of - assets and gifts to be appreciated.  I remember talking with one in particular about my failures and she stopped me in surprise and said, "You really don't see what we do?  We see..." She spoke from her heart with words full of positive energy and love. As I gazed into the mirror she held up, I was blown away. My tears began to flow. This moment was one of many that lifted me up, and helped me move forward in my journey to learning to be kinder so myself.

Perhaps others are able to banish their early negative lessons. Mine seem to find hiding holes deep in my psyche. They pop into my consciousness during low moments, wrecking havoc on my self esteem.  My best defense is to purposely continue letting go of those old mirrors from my childhood, and instead hold up the mirrors offered by my true friends. In theirs I see myself as the world sees me, and my actions without filter - sometimes good, sometimes cringe-worthy, but always a reflection filled with love.

Thanks to everyone of you who are in my life for your incredible support, the raw truth you share, and the gentle guidance you offer with kindness when I lose my way.