What Inner Turmoil is Trying to Tell Us

This is the perfect topic today as for the last two weeks I  have been filled with an overwhelming disinterest towards anything and everything in my life. Moods like this always show up first in my daily writing habit.  When passion isn't driving my writing, it can be hard to do work I am proud of.  At first I thought my mood was just a writing slump. That was until it was still going a week later. One day I took a moment to reflect and realized I was feeling that way about absolutely everything.

My life is going really well right now. I have my health. My husband has his health. The kids and grandkids are all doing great. I have had amazing opportunities pop up recently that blew me away.  Our home renos are finished and, despite the difficult process, I love the results.  In general life is very good.  Nothing to complain about.  So what had happened to my joy and passion. It's like someone flipped my energy switch to off.

After 14 days and a bit of diving deep, I still don't have a firm answer. However, there are a few contributing factors. I have struggled with fatigue for years, something doctors can't quite nail down. One obvious cause is I don't sleep well.  As we age that can become an increasing problem. You begin to sleep lighter and that means you wake up more.  For my husband it isn't as much of an issue. He falls right back to sleep.  However, I enjoy the perks and challenges of having a racing mind.  Getting back to sleep when I stir can happen only if I manage to do it quickly, before my mind kicks in. If I start thinking about literally anything, well, the squirrels come out to play.  

Another element in the winter months is lack of exercise. Lets face it, writing is not a passion that keeps you moving. My husband and I do love to do daily walks. We live along a river which offers beautiful trails to explore.  In winter, though, there are days it is better to stay inside.  We don't want to walk in pouring rain, heavy snowfall or a hail storm.  This winter the weather has been a roller coaster ride which meant our habit of walking was constantly being interrupted. That loss of habit meant we had to start from scratch each time the weather improved.

Here in Canada many, including myself, struggle with Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). On the shortest days it is dark until after I rise and dark again before supper. My oldest once shared he had a job where he went to the office in the dark and came home in the dark. Difficult. Add in the cloudy days because of rain or snow, and you get the idea.  As spring approaches, it gets easier. The days get longer and nature starts to wake up. However, it can take a few months for SAD to sheath its claws. 

A new idea rose the other day while reading.  In the book they talked about inner turmoil as being one result of living a life we don't desire - a life that follows societal ideas of what is normal and desirable.  HMMM.  On the surface that isn't my issue. I began working on embracing an authentic life of my own choosing for over a decade now.  So why did this idea make me sit up and take notice?  

Most likely the answer is two fold. Often ideas like this tap me on the shoulder asking to be given wings. They inspire some of the articles and/or poems I share. I love passing on any wisdom that arrives on my doorstep.  Then there is the possibility the universe is trying to speak to me. Is there something in my life that needs to be released, or a redirection in my goals I need to make? What that might be in this instance, I am not yet sure.  All I can do is walk each day fully aware, open and ready to hear the universe's whisper.  The timing of when my "AHA moment" will arrive is out of my control.

I don't know about you, but I am always hoping I am finished with the big life-altering lessons, that I have already become fully aware and that any new lessons to come my way will be minor and easy to embrace.  Unfortunately this is a pipe dream.  The more aware and present I become, the more I embrace living as authentically as I can, the more often new guidance appears. It seems I will be learning and growing until the day I take my last breath. For now, though, I just need to get through this period of change.

Hey universe, can you speed it up.  Patience has never been my virtue. I am ready to get moving again, to have my inner fire flamed to a blazing bonfire, and to have passion again fill me and drive me forward.  Please?