How were you brought up? Were you told to compete and come out on top? If you didn't, you were considered a failure? Or were you given the other side of that coin where you were supposed to be accommodating and make everyone happy? I suspect if you are my age group, most likely if a man the first and if a woman the second. How society influences our children has thankfully become less gender specific in recent years, but both lessons still land on the young shoulders of today’s children, and they are both unwelcome.
For myself, I was given the traditional role of peace keeper and required to keep everyone happy. If I did, good things would happen. If I didn't I would be looked down on. Just dumb. One of the life changing moments was when I was handed the truth that when I made myself happy it might make others unhappy, and that was okay. WHAT? That was a revolutionary idea for me, and honestly very hard to embrace. Since then I have come to realize how much truth that idea holds.
The best part of having kids leave the nest is that, while I will always be a mother, it was an opportunity to change my focus from others to me. Who was I now? What did I want the next 30 years (hopefully) to look like? Who did I want to become? What new experiences did I want to enjoy? With it just my husband and I at home, there was now time to dive in deep and hear my heart’s whispers.
In the beginning, the guilt that arose from choosing my desires first, from setting hard boundaries and from standing up for myself, was enormous. Honestly, it's still a work in progress. But with each purposeful step I take into the life I desire, it gets easier. There was outside resistance at the start. Personal change requires we redefine our relationships with others. Expectations that were valid before, were now null and void. I am fortunate in that most of my circle were quick to support my growth, especially my family.
As my life shifted I found comfort in knowing making myself a priority, reaching for my best, most authentic life, not only changed my life, but set a wonderful example for my kids on how to make that a reality in their own life. We can be good to ourselves while still loving and supporting those we care for. I didn't always get it right, just ask my kids, but it definitely was a goal I worked towards. Giving our kids permission to live their best life – I can’t think of a greater gift!
For myself, I was given the traditional role of peace keeper and required to keep everyone happy. If I did, good things would happen. If I didn't I would be looked down on. Just dumb. One of the life changing moments was when I was handed the truth that when I made myself happy it might make others unhappy, and that was okay. WHAT? That was a revolutionary idea for me, and honestly very hard to embrace. Since then I have come to realize how much truth that idea holds.
In the beginning, the guilt that arose from choosing my desires first, from setting hard boundaries and from standing up for myself, was enormous. Honestly, it's still a work in progress. But with each purposeful step I take into the life I desire, it gets easier. There was outside resistance at the start. Personal change requires we redefine our relationships with others. Expectations that were valid before, were now null and void. I am fortunate in that most of my circle were quick to support my growth, especially my family.
As my life shifted I found comfort in knowing making myself a priority, reaching for my best, most authentic life, not only changed my life, but set a wonderful example for my kids on how to make that a reality in their own life. We can be good to ourselves while still loving and supporting those we care for. I didn't always get it right, just ask my kids, but it definitely was a goal I worked towards. Giving our kids permission to live their best life – I can’t think of a greater gift!
Doubt can creep in. Societal pressure to conform comes at us from all sides. It takes determination to hold our ground. Not only that, it’s important we do so. In dark moments, try to remember these truths. We deserve to honor our beliefs and follow where our passions lead us. We do not have to feel selfish for putting what we want first, and it's okay if others are unhappy with the choices we make for ourselves. Listening to our intuition, our heart, is the path to a fulfilling life where we become the person we were born to be.
In the end, everyone meant to be in your life will find a way to embrace your choices, and those who cannot will slowly (or sometimes spectacularly) move on. The relationships you now start to build will be stronger and more flexible. As you stand tall in your choices, your example has the potential to create a ripple effect way beyond your own life. Living a life of your choosing without apology gives permission for others to follow your example and do the same in their own lives.
One disclaimer I do want to make is this is not about being self-centered or irresponsible in the way we treat those around us. We do not rise by standing on top of others, or lift ourselves up by putting others down. Choosing to live our best life may mean others don’t support our new direction, but it also doesn’t come as the expense of others trying to live their best life.
Time to let go of the need to make others happy at the cost of our own happiness. And time to offer that same privilege to others. There is no need for judgment. Each person has the right to choose a life that feels authentic to them, one that brings them joy. Let’s come together with those we love and work as one to encourage each other's dreams. Let's strive to develop a community of acceptance and reach for the stars together.
Can you imagine the joy of a world where each person is reaching for and achieving their dreams? Wouldn't that be amazing. That will only start to happen if one by one we each choose to walk our unique authentic journey, and support others in doing the same.
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