We Are More Complicated

“We are all of us more complicated than the roles we are assigned in the stories other people tell” - Tara Westover, Educated

This is a topic very dear to me.  I grew up not fitting in or able to fill the role assigned for me by my parents and the community around me. It was unpleasant to say the least and it took me many decades to even begin to heal the damage. They were good people at heart, but were stuck in their acceptance of society's demands, and that somehow made the hurt worse. The voices surrounding me were loud, strong and hard to stand up to. It is only by being brave enough to make my own voice heard that I realized I are just as strong. 

Let's fast forward to where I am after a good decade of coming into my own. There were so many lessons I needed to learn, and a lot of inner clutter that needed to be excavated and tossed away. Deep within I will always have a place in me that harbors those old memories, but I am in control now of my reactions and how I deal with the old emotions when they arise.  I do wish I could totally eliminate all my memories of those early hard times, but they are an integral part of the life experiences form the basis of who I am today.  Without them I would be a totally different person on a completely different path. 

There were many discoveries that led me over time to a place of self-acceptance (self-love is honestly still a work in progress).  One of the first was realizing I was allowing my story to be written by others.  In the beginning others included parents, extended family, society, media, teachers and peers. Most were well-meaning. They had accepted the social expectations presented and felt I should too.  Occasionally there was a troll who meant me harm, but that was rare.  From childhood through early adulthood I failed miserably at following their script, which meant walking alone many times.

When I became immersed in the role of mother and wife, the script written for me was a little easier to play around with.  It still didn't suit me well, but I loved my husband and  my kids and was happy to be a part of their lives in whatever way they needed me to.  I carefully only connected on a more personal level with a few open-minded mothers that were okay with me as I was. In my spare time I dove into every opportunity to try new things - helping at elementary school (I listened to kids read and even created occasional science lessons in kindergarten one year), volunteering to help run educational programs at the local nature park, sewed dance costumes for five years and steeping in where ever I could feel productive. These distractions filled a need to expand my horizons.

As the kids grew and didn't need or want me around as much, I managed to fall into a new career - interviewing and writing. I loved interviewing and was willing to do almost anything to keep booking new opportunities. This led me to co-owning a local online magazine and attending lots of events. I loved the experiences that came along with the job, but not that co-owning a magazine landed me somewhere I never truly crave - smack dab in the public eye.  It was a scary place given how I grew up, and it also came with a new role to fit into and a new script I was expected to follow. That goes ditto for when the magazine folded and I began to write my first book. 

I want to be very, very clear. Almost every person that shared a script to follow had a great heart. They wanted to help me succeed and felt the what they suggested would help me reach my goals. Their advice was offered in a positive way with the best of intentions.  If I had more confidence I could have navigated their generous offerings better and not let what they said create self-doubt.  But at that time I was still very fragile.  What I really wanted in my heart of hearts was for who I was internally to find a way to blossom authentically and take me forward in my own unique way, a way that felt right to me. I craved hearing encouraging words like "you got this" and "trust your instincts."

Our society seems to have embraced the idea of teaching a rigid set of truths over mentoring others to find their own truth.  It can be a very fine line. If asked, I do offer my thoughts, but I do my best to finish by giving them permission to ignore what I said if it doesn't feel right, or to change and adapt a piece of what I said to make it work for them.  No matter how much experience we have, it is focused clearly on our own experiences.  We need to find a way to offer insights without expectation or pressure and ideas to get them thinking creatively.

Some of those around us can easily accept our need to follow a different path. Other's can't. And when it becomes obvious there is a choice to be made. I love what Tara Westover shared in her book Educated, "You can love someone and still choose to say goodbye to them. You can miss a person every day, and still be glad that they are no longer in your life.” I know this sounds harsh, but I have found it to be true.  I have had friendships where we drifted apart on really important issues that left us divided, or became unable to be a support for each other. Walking away is never easy, and if the decision isn't mutual, the reaction can be very unpleasant. 

Another truth I had to embrace is I am made up of a complicated mish-mash of characters, each with their own personality. If you meet me as a mother or friend, you will see one facet. If our connection is with my role as an author or speaker, another side presents itself. If we meet while I am in my role of business woman or someone working for social change, how I respond will again different.  And if I am having a bad day or just feeling down in the dumps, another side appears.  

These are all facets of what makes me the complicated person I am.  And it explains people some people are drawn to me and others not.  They all experience a different side of who I am. It is only long time friends and close family who have walked with me closely through the ups and downs of life who see all facets of who I am, that understand the complicated person I am. That holds true for all of you too. None of us are simple or one note.   

Self-doubt is so destructive. If you battle with it like I do, I understand your struggles.  While I have no real authority to do so, I want to share four simple words you may need to hear, "I give you permission." You have my permission to be yourself, to follow your inner voice, to refuse the roles people want you to play, and toss out the script society has written for you. You are far more wonderfully complicated than the world can imagine. Embrace all the things that together make up who you are, and start writing your own script. There is no time like the present.  What don't you start now?