The Need to Heal

No matter how much work I do, how much healing I experience, or how far I think I have come, there are still those moments where things shift and I again feel like a stranger in a strange land. This happened the other day when one of my kids gave me a look at his younger years through his eyes. It was shattering. 

It never was a secret that I made many, many mistakes as a mum.  I lacked confidence, didn't have any outside support, worried about finances, made myself a martyr (I was raised that as a mom and wife, my needs came last), and instead of support, was given lots of advice which of course felt like criticism. I hadn't dealt with my troubled childhood or lack of acceptance from my parents.  When the kids started to get bullied and I couldn't fix it, something broke inside.

I became a hyper, strong mama bear on steroids, always on high alert. I overextended myself constantly, didn't take time for self-care, didn't seek out a counselor who could provide a safe space and insight to see what was happening.  That cost money. I just plowed ahead trying to make sure every worked out for my kids - school, career, activities, opportunities.  And I worked from a place of fear, sure that something bad would happen if I wasn't on high alert all the time. There was nothing too small. If I let anything slip, if something didn't work out, I failed.

One of the many bad choices I made was to sew dance costumes from home for 5 years. I learned as I went, the deadlines were set in stone, and it triggered every insecurity I had.  I threw up every morning during each 10 month season. Why did I do it? To help pay for the kids activities that I felt were important. The personal cost to me was irrelevant. Their needs must be met before mine.  I kept reminding myself they were growing up and would leave one day.  I knew I would miss them terribly.  That attitude might have gotten me through another day, but took a terrible toll on myself and in my kids.

I wanted those kids so desperately, and was so grateful to have a family, but have realized the phrase good people can do bad things applies to me as well.  When I looked through one of my kids eyes, I learned how much pressure my being in that state constantly put on them. I wasn't the strong mama bear champion I envisioned, I was a person in crisis.  I wasn't in control nor even aware of how my actions were landing. I don't know how I will ever make it up to them. It is important to apologize and acknowledge one’s failures, but an apology won't heal their wounds. 

For the last decade I have been healing slowly but surely. I improved my self acceptance, made progress in letting go of my childhood pain and have learned how to better create balance in my life. I have come a long way, but something was still lurking and this crisis brought it into the light. It took looking through another's eyes to see what was buried deep that was still hurting both myself and my family.

Stress is more than just unhealthy for me, it's a trigger that sends me back into a chaotic spiral of racing thoughts and lack of control. It also creates anxiety and a sense of fear. It is time to reach out to a professional. I am ready to do the work - to peel back another layer and look beneath - and that takes support and guidance. I was fortunate to find one that was a good match and had my first appointment yesterday.  It was emotional and raw, but I came home feeling hopeful. And that is a good feeling.  

I am devastated and ashamed that in my attempts to be super mom I hurt my kids. I would love do go back and do it all over again, but that isn't possible.  All I can do now is take the right steps moving forward. Self care is a must. Finding a safe space crucial. Healing what is broken is a worthy and important goal. I am ready to let go of the fears that have been and at times still do drive  me. When asked what I hoped to feel as I healed, just one word arose.  Peace. I want to feel peace. 

There is no time like the present to take time self care and healing. Make s choice put your own needs first sometimes.  Be brave enough to look through another’s eyes to see their perspective. If you discover healing is needed, find the right guide to create a safe space and support.