Just Keep Swimming

I read a line the other day that simply getting better was worth celebrating. It was a worthy goal. That was followed a few days later by a conversation over lunch with a friend who was struggling to let go of mistakes made way in the past. They continued to feel a need to apologize and atone years later, to try to prove they had grown and become someone very different over and over. It hit home for me too.

I struggled for years with berating myself for mistakes made 10, 20, even 30 years in the past. I wanted to go back and do better, especially as a mother. It has taken a lot of outside help and personal work on my part to find a way to let past mistakes go. It isn't easy as those memories never really disappear. They have a habit of popping up in unguarded moments - like at 3 a.m. when insomnia rears it's ugly head. Why is it those times can be filled with positive wonderful memories. Sadly the wee hours seem to be the domain of the critical inner voice.

As my friend and I talked that day, and even revisited the conversation the next day, I was given my own reminder in all the helpful bits of wisdom I had learned over the last several years.  The tips, the strategies, and the truths that have helped me let go of the past and move forward. I continue to become the best person I can be. These thoughts I share here arose from a whole pool of positive advice I had begun to forget.  It was great to revisit them again. I needed the reminder

First on the list is something a counsellor asked me.  "Can you find a way to look back at that young mother in your past and find a way to have empathy for her and what she were going through? Can you find a way to forgive her?" The first emotion that arose was negative. No way.  I hurt my kids. But when she asked what I would say if it was a close friend sharing those emotions, something began to shift.  

We went on to discuss all the pressures and lack of support, and how I am trying now to change that narrative with my grown kids. I will always be ashamed of my mistakes, but this process helped me let those memories go. They were holding me back in a place that no longer had relevance. And that kept my relationship with my kids circling back too. Learning to have compassion for my fears and my regrets proved healing. Talking about my growth and ideas on how to continue was uplifting.  My whole perspective shifted.

Next on the list was something that came up as my friend and I talked - the powerful drive to try to heal relationships.  The truth is some might not heal.  All anyone can do is apologize and admit fault. Then do better.  The hope is that over time wounds will heal and personal growth will be accepted. The relationship can find a new expression moving forward.  Both parties have a choice - both have to let go of the past and move forward.  What is unhealthy is if either side continues to hold onto the past.  

It is so important to anyone wanting to grow and become to surround themselves with a supportive group that sees their potential and encourages it.  Sometimes that means creating a new relationship with old friends, but sometimes that can instead mean letting go of your past circle, and immersing yourself in a new community.  Let go - Forgive -Move forward - Rise upward.  If friendships dim, know that is the best for both sides. If they re-emerge and tighten, then know that is best too. 

No matter what mistakes we have made, we all have the power to grow and become.  We may not be able to change the past, but we can understand why it happened and forgive ourselves and others.  That frees us to move forward without limits.  Your life. Your choice. Like Dory - just keep swimming. You'll get there.