The Right to be Unpopular

"My commitment was to writing...To do that I could not be weighed down by the burden of a following or of fulfilling people's expectation. I had to have the right to be unpopular. I had have the choice of probing the boundaries of acceptability, of not fitting in, of standing alone." -  Arundhati Roy, Mother Mary Comes to Me

It was later in the book, Mother Mary Comes to Me, when I read these lines by author and activist Arundhati Roy.  I instantly highlighted them so I could go back and re-read them again after I finished the book.  They say something to me no one had ever said before.  Did I have a right to be unpopular? I thought that was something bad, not something good. How do I feel about that. 

While I think this quote has a lot to say to those in creative fields in particular, I also feel this has something to say to me personally.  I have talked many times about the way I grew up - a minister's daughter in a conservative community.  There were expectations about everything, especially as a woman - most which I failed at miserably.  

One that I still struggle with is the childhood impression I was given that if I was doing everything right, and being the person I was expected to be, that everyone would like me.  Everyone certainly seemed to like both of my sweet brothers. Me, not so much. Some people were drawn to me, others criticized.  I, however, just couldn't seem to figure it out.  I couldn't fit in. I couldn't follow rules that made no sense to me. And I couldn't pretend.  Just not part of my nature from birth. 

When my kids were in high school I stumbled into interviewing, and that led me to seeing life though many lenses. It was eye-opening and affirming to realize we didn't all have to be cookie cutter molds of each other.  There was room in the world for all kinds of people. That not only made life interesting, but was good for the future of humanity. 

I heard the words. I understood what they meant. But change was not easy. Self-acceptance slowly seeped into my bloodstream and I began to see the purpose behind my quirks.  But what I have never become comfortable with is being truly disliked which is my definition of unpopular.  It doesn't happen often, but it can come at first meeting - perhaps just a vibe they don't like - and sometimes through misunderstanding after years of friendship. Both are uncomfortable, but the later cuts the deepest.  

Changing that lens, turning the barrel on that kaleidoscope, to view unpopularity as a right is a real shift for me, and one that will take time.  To be the person I want to be, to grow, to have impact, and to fulfill my purpose requires me to not be burdened down by the expectations of others.  Whether comfortable or not, I have to step firmly outside the norm and explore the questions.  I have to be honest with others.  Oh boy!  

I hate upsetting friends and family, so have avoided talking about some of my deeper truths out of respect.  But they talk about their truths in spite of my feelings.  It's a one way street.  I will not become militant, or purposefully unkind, but I will no longer mute myself when I have something I feel deeply led to share.  As much as possible anything controversial I share will be done as much kindness as possible. 

So let's scroll back to the quote. Whatever the purpose and passion you are fulfilling, as long as your intention comes from a place of compassion, you need to be able to follow your heart's guidance without being weighed down by outside expectation. Stand strong and tall, define who you are for the world, and move forward with determination.  If you grew up like I did, that isn't easy.  But I believe everything is possible if we set our mind to it.