Ready to soar or creep dramatically

I was ready to soar, or creep dramatically.  - Bill Pugin, Fly on the Wall

I love the quote above, but left it out of quotation marks as I typed it from memory.  While I loved this title as an audio book, I usually listen audio books while on transit or driving. So the negative is the ability to mark a quote or paragraph.  You have to hit a little symbol on the screen, and if I am driving that isn't possible.  I have to try to remember until I am parked and can make a note, but by then I often forget.  And so far I haven't found a way to search through an audio easily.  Oh well. What you see above is pretty accurate, but not word for word exactly.

When I first heard Pugin say it, I smiled. Then I laughed. And even now, weeks later, I can't read the quote without being amused.  He and I are different in many ways, but do share one talent - the ability to take leap of faith in new directions without thought.  That doesn't mean the choice made is random. It isn't.  It is lead 100% by the heart speaking clearly, by an ability to listen to our intuition and let it guide us.  I still have tons of times when I am mired in indecision with no clear answer to be found.  But every once and awhile a an opportunity arises and I just know in my bones it's meant to be.  I say yes instantly. Pugin does the same. 

What follows our decision to leap, however, is where he and I are very different.  No matter how overwhelmed, Pugin dives in and makes things work out.  He has a well of confidence to draw from that is unknown in my world.  I am so jealous.  When I first started taking leaps of faith, I would end up in the deep end, swimming as hard as I could and convinced I would probably fail.  That meant long sleepless nights, overwhelming stress, and lots of second guessing.  What kept me going was is that I was simply driven by the same inner voice and strong desire that pushed me to leap in the first place.  Maybe my spirit was ready to soar, but all my conscious mind could offer was to creep dramatically, and with tremendous self doubt. 

When I answered a Craigslist ad in 2006 from a fashion magazine looking for submissions, I had no clue about the industry. I didn't grow up around fashion, nor did I have the finances to learn. My husband, an HVAC mechanic cut my hair and my clothes came from discount stores. None of that mattered. I read the ad, thought of a few designers locally I had heard of, and sent off three story ideas in a matter of seconds. I was totally on automatic. It was like being in a trance that I only woke up from after hitting send. No worries.  There was no way they would answer.  

The day I received a response accepting two of those submissions for publication, several emotions washed over me.  First was excitement as it was a new challenge to wrap my mind around.  I was no longer just a mother, I was a budding interviewer and writer.  My ADD mind ran with it, getting interviews set up and a photographer on board.  Easy.  I sat down with the first designer to do an interview and the universe shifted. The moment was so powerful I had goosebumps. I learned that day I loved interviewing and was addicted to it from the first moment. 

Then reality began to set in.  I really had no idea what I was doing when it came to writing.  I always did well in school, but my university days were long behind me.  Paralysis hit when I began writing the first submission.  What did a great article look like?  How did it flow? Out of an hour of interviewing, how did I pick out the most important details to create a 600-800 word magazine piece?  When I finally finished my first article, the magazine told me it wasn't good enough. Try again.  The designer was kinder, and encouraged me to keep working on it. 

What a journey that first experience submitting to a magazine was - writing and editing and re-writing and starting over and getting feedback. It was a trial by fire I had to walk through while I deeply mired in self-doubt, but I too embarrassed to give up.  I also knew if I gave up, this new passion might be put back on a shelf. The door would close, and perhaps I would never find another to open. Interviewing had overnight become my drug of choice. I had to keep going.  So creeping it was, and yes sometimes dramatically. It is way more fun to soar, which I do more often now. But I learned creeping works too.  It is definitely way harder, but inch by inch you still arrive.

While the experience shared above is probably the most dramatic of my leaping and then suffering deeply, it is not the only one.  The same happened when I decided to switch to writing my first book. I had the interviews on file, I had been writing magazine articles for years, so how hard could it be?  Just reading that last line brings a smile. I leapt with abandon of course, and then when I started writing the full weight of my self-doubt again hit me.  This time I almost did walk away. Creeping ensued, the dramatic gnashing of teeth as well, but somehow I crossed the finish line.

Each time I instinctively head a new direction now it gets that bit easier. I have learned from past experience that whether I soar or creep I will in the end cross the finish line. I have also developed more faith in my abilities.  That knowledge soothes my soul during struggles.  I doubt I will ever have the confidence that author Pugin enjoys, but it did feel good to know that even he creeps at times, and that is just fine.