Grief Versus Regret

Grief and regret often seem to walk hand in hand and, although we often pair them together, they are very different. I can't remember where the idea to write on this first arose. I simply wrote down the title and assumed that would be enough to trigger my original thought. It didn't. So today I am coming to this topic with a blank slate.

Let’s start with what the words actually refer to, then look at how they are similar and how they are different.  Grief is an emotional pain that seems to arise more and more as we age.  This is true for a couple of reasons. The longer we live, the more experiences we have had, both good and bad, and the more times we have both succeeded and failed.  And even more, there is n ever increasing number of  people not as lucky as us health-wise we have had to say good-bye to. 

A few years ago I experienced a whole series of losses from personal ones such as cousin and a dear friend, to losses my community experienced from grandchildren to children to spouses.  Every month another loss came. I was grieving and I was surrounded by people grieving. The last was a dear friend who said we would get together as soon as she felt better. That never happened. She never let on how sick she was, and when she passed, I heard it on social media.  I simply broke. It was months before I got my feet back on the ground. The process of grief is necessary for healing, but it isn't easy.

Regret is painful as well, but it is often referred to as an obsession. It involves being unable to let go of something you could have done differently.  It is being mired in guilt, self-blame, and what you could have done differently that would have changed the outcome.  It stays running in the back ground, whispering dark thoughts in your ear, and reappearing endlessly.  It is a constant distraction that paralyzes you, keeping you from growing and moving forward. And it fills you with self-doubt. 

I have experienced both grief and regret, and can honestly say I prefer to avoid both.  They are painful. They both make me pause, and distract me from the life that is calling me.  However, as I shared above, the process of grief is necessary for healing.  It is a a process you need to move through and grow from.  And if you allow it, you move beyond it.  That doesn't mean the loss doesn't stay with you. It simply means it doesn't freeze you in the past. You can find joy and purpose again. The is a future calling you. 

Regret is also hard to deal with, especially since it chains you in the past.  I thought over the last decade I had worked through all my regrets and found peace. I thought I had let them go and healed.  Imagine my surprise about a year and a half ago when my oldest pointed out I needed counselling.  He recognized the signs from his own mental health journey. Me? I thought I had already done the work.  But I valued his opinion and knew it was important to our relationship to follow through.

The first appointment was an eye opener. Tears came as did clarity.  The regrets I had about times I felt I had failed as a mother were eating me alive and I hadn't even realized it.  Like all things, it takes time to release negative emotions and habits we have embraced for years.  Progress came slowly. Having the knowledge of what is happening deep within, however, changed everything.  I am slowly releasing regrets and learning to have compassion for that young mum with 3 small kids and little support. 

If you see yourself in any of this, know you are not alone.  Sometimes just realizing what is going on is enough.  Other times it takes outside help to deal with your grief and/or regrets. Do whatever it takes to find your way. Your passions are calling you, and you are here for a reason, that only you can fulfill.