Relax Your Grip

At every stage of life I seemed to have gripped something tightly.  As a child and tween it was holding onto who I was and my beliefs.  Being brought up in a family and community that I did not fit into made this oh so important. There was a cost. My self esteem suffered, and my memories are blurry. But I am proud I was able to stay true to who I knew I was deep inside.  Gripping tightly during that time was a positive thing, but as I grew into an adult, it was a hard habit to break.

When I became a mother, birthing 3 kids closely together (3-1/2 years from oldest to youngest), I found myself gripping tightly again.  I had very little real support other than my husband, and the majority of the women I met through my children weren't a good match. There were a few amazing women who I connected with that became my lifelines, but they were few and far between. 

When my kids started getting bullied and suffered with the isolation that brought, I fell apart. I gripped tight - a mother bear always on high alert. The anxiety of trying to shelter them, the worry about the long term effects, trying to work from home, make the meals, and deal with the finances took their toll. Looking back I realize I really needed counselling to find a way to release the heavy stress, but we couldn't afford it.  So I gripped tight to my sanity and charged like a bull through it all. Not the best choice for myself or my family, but thankfully we all survived. 

Somewhere in my fifties while interviewing, my eyes began to open a bit.  While I don't consider myself a perfectionist - housecleaning in particular isn't my forte - I began to realize how tightly I held onto my inner self.  I kept people at arm's length, sure that if they knew the real me they wouldn't be impressed.  As I dove deeper in to interviewing and writing, I was hard on myself when I didn't think I had done a mediocre job, or made a mistake. A good question to ask at this moment is why being hard on ourselves comes so easy, but being proud of our achievements can feel egotistical. 

Interviewing, a couple wonderful mentors, and a growing supportive community that began to build around me changed my life. I wouldn't have gotten there if I hadn't finally understood I needed to relax my grip. I needed to let the real flawed me hiding inside out, and let the real, flawed world that surrounded me in. I learned it was okay to be selective, to choose the right friendships where I felt we had common goals, diverse connections where we rejoiced in our differences, and a wide range of ages to keep me inspired. and from getting in a mental rut. 

Unlike other life lessons where I seem to have to keep re-learning them as I let things slip, this one seems to have stayed with me.  I don't always feel good about myself, and not everyone likes me, but I have learned to sit in those spaces calmly and work through my feelings.  The question I always ask myself when a tough moment arises is if there is anything I need to address in my personal healing or growth that triggered this.  If yes, then I try to take action.  If no, then I know I need to simply release the feelings and walk away. 

How tight are you holding on, and what is it you are grasping?  No matter if an emotion, a relationship, a behavior pattern, a job, a belief  - if it is meant to be a part of your life, you won't need to cling to it desperately.  You also do not need to be always perfect, always right, always well put together, always have a neat and tidy house, always have a great relationship.  You are allowed to make mistakes, be messy, to have people who don't approve, and to wallow in the joy of being alive. 

Relax into it, and have a great day!