No Matter How Hard You Look

I found myself needing a bit of distraction the other day, so turned on the television and relaxed in front of an easy movie. Nothing exciting or challenging or deep, the show was just an easy watch.  As I was sprawled on the couch half dozing, a line of dialogue caught my attention. It is still bouncing around inside my head days later. 

In the scene the actors were sitting around a table enjoying a meal while sharing light conversation. Then someone shared  about having to search a long time for something they desired. Another responded with these words, "No matter how hard you look for something, if it doesn't exist, you won't find it."  So true. You can't find what doesn't exist. 

How many times in our lives have we set unrealistic goals, or sought perfection?  We want an amazing house, the ideal partner, well-adjusted kids, a dream job, unlimited funds, perfect holidays, and...and...and.  Life doesn't roll that way.  On your hopefully long journey from birth to death you will face roadblocks, compromises, unexpected changes of direction, joy, sorrow, love, pain - the whole gamut from A to Z. That is the human experience. If we are willing to learn from these experiences, we grow.  If not we stagnate

It is easy to cling tight to a goal like a dog gnawing on a bone. In high school and university, I was focused totally on becoming a psychologist helping people heal. But the universe had other ideas.  One third of the way through working on my masters I had an AHA moment. Studying counseling and psychology had helped me personally in my journey to heal, but this wasn't the right career for me.  It was hard to let go of a dream I had embraced for so long, but I realized this future was not the right fit for my strengths.

Another direction I took when my kids were young was sewing dance costumes for several studios - everything from dance bras to tutus.  This let me work from home and was an amazing outlet for my creativity. I loved watching the costumes I made one at a time on my sewing machine being worn on stage at competitions and year end shows.  And the gratitude I received from teachers, dancers and students was lovely.  But five years of producing over 120 costumes a year was immensely stressful and took a heavy toll on my health and my family.  One day I finally realized I had to let it go.  To this day I still can't sit down at my sewing machine and create. I hope that anxiety will abate one day. 

When I began my career as a writer, it was interviewing that drew me the most. I loved sitting in a room with someone I didn't know who lived a life very different from mine and just listening as they shared their story.  I regularly had goosebump moments, and learned so much from listening to their stories  I couldn't imagine a time in my life I wouldn't be interviewing in person. The mere thought seemed to offer a drab future.

Then COVID arrived and that period of my life ended. Sure it would all be over in six months or less, my spirits stayed high. Then one day it hit home. The pandemic was going to take a long time to turn around fully.  Next came dark moods as I worked towards a place of acceptance and finally began to ask what's next.  I discovered I could scratch my itch to hear stories through email Q and A interviews. They also offered their own a beauty as the answers shared weren't my interpretation of what was said, but direct from the person interviewed in their own voice. Emails were also easy to do and people loved the ease of being able to take their time and answer the questions in spare moments. 

For a long time after the pandemic had ebbed, I assumed I would soon get back to in person interviewing. I kept my eyes focused on that goal.  What I was missing, and still am, is sitting in a room face-to face with another human being and feeling their energy.  It is an experience like to no other. And the interviews had more depth, as I could respond in real time to where they wanted the questions to go. In person interviews offer way more opportunities to be surprised than interviews done through email. 

However, when I finally looked deep within, I wasn't finding my previous drive for live interviews still burning. The fire had become a small ember. I was shocked. My mind still held tight to what I have always done, but my heart was whispering about new directions. As I began to release the idea of getting back to regular in person interviews, a new door opened to expand my writing in new direction such as poetry, and fiction, and while I fought it for ages, learning to make social media reels. 

In my heart, my hope is that things will come full circle and lead me back to in-person interviews. I still dream of sitting alone in a quiet room and listening while someone shares their story.  It is where I began, and it still holds a special place in my life.  For now, though, I have chosen to simply let go and quit searching for a way to reignite that passion.  In this moment it just doesn't exist.

We look for things we want.  We look for what we are told to seek to be happy. We reach for dreams that aren't meant for us. We fight to keep the status quo. No matter how hard we look, if it doesn't exist in this moment (or if it isn't meant for us at this time), we won't find it.  Once we let go of what isn't meant for us, when FOMO - fear of missing out - no longer holds sway, the universe can open the door on a future that is patiently waiting for you. 

What I found when I finally released what I thought I wanted, and walked through that open door, everything began to fall into place. That doesn't mean life isn't still a roller coaster, just that the roller coaster is taking me in the right direction.