What We Fret About

“None of the things one frets about ever happen. Something one’s never thought of does.” ― Connie Willis, Doomsday Book 

I admit, I was the world biggest fretter constantly worried about the what-ifs for a large part of my life.  Aging has helped. Life slowing down after the kids left and my husband retired has helped. Being a fairly stable place financial has helped.  The question is, if all that helped, and most of the time I am in a good place, why do I still have moments when I allow it to slip back into my life an become overwhelmed. Another question I think on is whether is fretting is always a bad thing. I suspect it depends on how it is managed and how strongly it affects your life.

The most common definitions of fretting are to be constantly worried and anxious, or to gradually wear away something. Neither sound very positive.  Being constantly worried or anxious in particular is worrisome.  While a short bout is normal, research clearly shows living in a state of constant stress long term can have a negative effect on your health.  Definitely something to avoid.  Gradually eroding - feeling ground down day after day by the challenges of life - can't be good either. And what we spend our time focusing on we draw to us. 

Why do I still have times of anxiety-filled overwhelm? Old habits die hard, and the old negative voices in our heads never go away completely.  When we are tired, when we have been hit by wave after way of difficulties, and those times we find ourselves in a fragile state for whatever reason, we are vulnerable to worrying about anything and everything. This don't mean we've failed in any way, or lost control.  They experiences are simply a part of being human. It's how we handle these moments that matters, and that is always in our control.

I love my family. I love my friends.  I always wish the best for them. I want them to be happy, healthy and embracing a life they have chosen. As I move through my week, one after another pop will into my head.  During those times I think about what they have shared with me including where things are going well and the challenges they are facing. Have they been able to make the shift they wanted? Are they healthy? How is their family doing?  

In the past these thoughts had the potential to send me into a state of worry. a place that had a negative impact on my emotions. Time and trying different tactics have helped me change. Now when thinking on my friends and family, I can be concerned for them without going to a dark place. I might send them uplifting thoughts or reach out to schedule a time to hang out. If I find myself still struggling, rather than wasting time fretting about what-if’s, I try to reach them by phone or video chat to ask how they are doing, and offer a safe space where I simply listen, bearing witness to their pain. I do my best to be there for others without judgement or advice while they work things out. 

When it comes to my own life, what worries me has changed with each new decade. Fretting about finances, my children's struggles, health concerns, and the future have all taken the top spot at some point.  The sheer depth of calamity I could dream up to fret about is pretty incredible. I could fill a book. The day I learned to let go of the unknown, turned my focus to on the gifts that surround me, and started taking things one step at a time, was the day fretting was banished from walking at my side. Yes I make plans for the future, but I no longer dwell on the negative things that MIGHT happen.  

It is time to face facts.  Most of the things we worry about never come to be, and that makes most of the times spent in the dark fretting a waste of our time. Dwelling in dark spaces takes away our joy, and keeps us from moving forward. The future is a big unknown. No matter what we think, the reality is the challenges that come our way will most likely be unexpected.  We might as well relax into each moment as it arises and deal with the future when it becomes the present.