A Choice For Freedom

"...freedom is about CHOICE - about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity, and self-expression....The only place where we can exercise our freedom of choice is in the present." -  Dr. Edith Eva Eger, The Choice

I recently finished reading an amazing book call The Choice - book review HERE.  It was one of those lucky coincidences.  I saw something about it, was curious, found it in my local library as an e-book and dove in. I assumed it was just a story about someone's journey surviving the Holocaust.  I was so wrong.  While the author does share is her experience of survival, Eger then moves on to share the process of healing - both her personal healing and her work helping others come to terms with trauma, PTSD and difficult life challenges.  

Once I hit the second half of the book, I found myself highlighting passage after passage.  There was so many times what she wrote hit home, woke me up, or helped me look at my life through a different lens. I wanted to share my thoughts in an article, but even picking a quote to start it with was hard. I considered changing the opening quote constantly.  

Over the last decade, as I worked on personal healing and growth, I found I was under a misconception. I believed that once I shone a light into the dark spaces, brought my fears into the open and faced my traumas, they would heal completely and then evaporate. I would never have to face them again.  I would move on to the next thing that needed to heal. There were inklings here and there this wasn't the case, but I was initially blind to them.  

Then about 14 months ago I was reading a book and found myself reacting strongly to a situation shared. I had to put the book away for a few days and sit with my anxiety. Where was it coming from?  Why did that passage have a such a huge effect on me emotionally and physically. It seemed totally irrational. Talking with friend who had experienced trauma, and a brother about our shared childhood, helped provide some insight.  The trauma wasn't gone-gone like I had hoped.  It never would be, no matter how hard I tried. So where did that leave me? What did it mean to heal? I certainly didn't want to be caught in a loop, stuck reliving my past time and time again, never truly moving forward. 

I have been working on answering those questions for awhile now. Lots of ideas arose, but it was taking some time to see clearly where this journey was taking me. I started reading The Choice at the right time.  Here was a holocaust survivor as well as a highly trained, successful psychologist who has helped hundreds of people move from being trapped in past trauma to finding joy in the present. Yet even later in life she still has flashbacks from the dark traumas of her youth.

While I cannot come close to sharing all the ideas that leapt out at me from this book - I highly suggest you read it yourself - I think the knowledge that I have a choice over what I focus on was what I needed to hear the most. My life experiences will never leave me. But I can choose to forgive the past, have compassion for what I experienced, and allow myself to grieve the loss of what I wished my past had looked like.  Then I can choose to turn my gaze to the life I have now and reach for it with curiosity and optimism. I can pay attention to what I have lost, or what I have gained. This way of looking at things feels like a good match for me. 

Now when something triggers dark memories of the past, I don't have to be over concerned there is something buried I haven't healed. I can instead make a choice to walk through the process of forgiveness and grief again if I feel that is needed. If not, I will simply acknowledge the truth of my experiences, then turn my eyes forward. My life ahead is full of possibilities and mysteries.  I will acknowledge my past, but reach for the future. I choose to follow my intuition and explore my passions.  I choose freedom.