When Negative Thoughts Arise

I don't know about you, but I have moments where negative thoughts arise unbidden. They could come from past trauma, memories of failing (especially as a young parent), a deep lack of confidence, worry about acceptance and fitting in, or misunderstandings. Sometimes dark thoughts are lured out of hiding by a situation that is similar to when they were first formed. Other times they burst out unexpectedly for no reason I can find. 

For the most part I move through days without too a lot of problem now. I have worked very hard over the last decade to heal past traumas, forgive my failures and focus on being fully engaged in the present, but it is a never ending process. Our past never leaves us, so every now and then I find myself again needing release from unwelcome memories. It is a process that gets easier each time I do it.  The snag is my dream world.  In the wee hours lost to my unconscious, dark thoughts can still creep in that overwhelm me and take time to shake off once awake. 

My struggle with self acceptance and confidence brings a kind of negative thoughts that need a different tactic.  They sneak in when I have a conflict with another, or have to part ways with someone I have known a long time. These situations hit hard emotionally. It takes time for these feelings to quiet, but is only then that I can find a way to deal with the conflict, or come to a place of acceptance that this relationship no longer serves either of us. 

Then there is the issue with feeling of not fitting in.  Some places I go I feel like I'm coming home, I fit in easily.  But there other situations I find challenging.  Believe it or not, I feel out of sync at baby and wedding showers. I never was a girly girl, so feel awkward immersed in girlie style moments.  Really posh events can be challenging, too. I grew up low income, so the experience of being surrounded by wealth can feel very foreign. I cope by being quieter and staying more in the background. 

I have met super confident people that never appear to struggle with any of this, but I think most of us have our times where negative thoughts and feelings arise that are hard to handle. Recently I came upon a strategy for dealing with these thoughts from three unique sources. Each labeled the steps differently, but in the end the similarity was too great to ignore - right down to each having three steps. 

Step one is simply being aware of the negative thoughts swirling in your head.

• Observe your thoughts and how your body is feeling. Try to step back and do this as an outside observer looking in.
• Use words that describe what you are experiencing - depression, sadness, shame, fear, etc. 
• Ask what has triggered this feeling at this time - a situation, a memory, something said to you, a lack of confidence.
• Recognize what you are feeling and release any shame. Be kind and gentle to yourself.

Step two is to simply pause.

• Meditation be very helpful as a focus in quieting the mind's chaos and the body's reactions to stress. Using positive mantras as you meditate can help change the narrative.
• Deep breathing helps by releasing tension. Notice the feeling and sound of your breath as you inhale and exhale.  Try different breathing patterns.
• Turn your focus outward.  I like to watch waves crashing on the shore, leaves blown by the wind, a candle flickering, or a sunset. Walking in natures is fabulous too. All help bring calm and focus. 
• Ground yourself by using the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. Quickly look around you and name 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 thing you smell, 1 thing you taste.  

Step three is to change the narrative to one that is clear, truthful and leads to a positive perspective.

• Ask if what triggered this feeling is 100% true? What are the facts? Do I really feel this way, or have I been told to feel this way.
• Change your viewpoint. I actually went to therapy for the first time a year ago to help deal with my feelings of failure as a young mother. She helped look at my younger self with compassion and the failures through a different lens, one that looked at my life and influences. It helped.
• Positive affirmations repeated daily - say when you wake up and before you fall asleep - can change your inner narrative.  Replacing that negative voice with words offering compassion can shift your outlook.
• MOVE! Walk, jog, do yoga, climb stairs, ride a bike, head to the gym, put on a great song and dance with abandon.  You could also read a book or work on a hobby, but moving your body first helps you shed the tension held in your muscles. 

If you are struggling with random negative thoughts, know you can take control and change how you view them. The more you practice these steps, the easier they become. You simply need to decide what works best for you in each of the 3 steps and then begin.

Important note - the above is about dealing with random negative thoughts that arise occasionally. If you are finding the dark thoughts are constant,  overwhelming and rarely lift, then it is time to seek help from a professional who can provide the support you need.