Zweisamkeit - A Connection so Strong....

Recently I was reading a fabulous fiction book called Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow. In one chapter a character threw out the German term Zweisamkeit and defined it as, "... the feeling of being alone even when you're with other people."  However, when I looked up the definition this morning to make sure I understood the reference, I found the definition was more nuanced.  Zweisamkeit is about togetherness, an especially deep connection with another person.  The deepness of the bond can cause the rest of the world to fade away when you are together.  There are several ways of looking at solitude in a crowd and I have experienced every one. 

Let's start with the negative.  Have you ever felt out of step with the world around you. I have.  Your thoughts, your ideas, your passions, your style....nothing seems to be in sync with others you interact with.  I felt it a lot when I had young kids in school.  I was different than the other parents. And I have felt it in crowds. I couldn't get a feel for the people, and didn't seem to have anything in common with them. The conversations they were having weren't ones I could participate in.  It was isolating and brought all my internal self-doubts to the surface. I felt like I was outside looking in and just wanted to fade away and go home. I eventually learned my perceptions were skewed. 

If you have had that experience too, you know how uncomfortable it can be.  What I always find interesting is I could easily and successfully have had a one-on-one conversation with most everyone there.  It's when I am in a group of people outside my social circle where I sometimes stumble. The group falls into their normal conversations, they all understand the dress code, their pace is sync'd to their normal rhythm.  I am lost.  Sometimes you get the feeling you are being pushed aside.  I suspect others would be surprised to hear you feel that way. They are just being themselves. It is way more likely an internal response arising from your own insecurities, at least it is in my case. I feel self-doubt, and my fight or flight response kicks in. 

Another way I am alone in a crowd is by choice.  I need a break from the noise, the chaos or the constant conversation so find a way to create a little solitude.  I accomplish this a few ways. I find a chair in a corner and watch the world go by for whatever time is needed. Or I might take a bathroom break alone. I sometimes step outside for some fresh air.  OR, and I am a bit ashamed of this one, I keep a smile on my face but mentally check out and go to my happy place for a few minutes.  Getting caught not listening is not a good thing, so I only use that technique when there is no other option.  Solitude in this instant is positive and self-imposed. 

Then there is the alone in a crowd Zweisamkeit refers to. You have, or you make a connection with someone so strong that when you are together, the world around you disappears.  Oh boy, this something I have experienced so many times when I was doing live interviews.  I am fascinated by the unique journeys of others.  Every once in a while the story someone was telling would pull me in hard. I was hooked just like when reading a good book. Absolutely everything else around me disappears as I listen.  

I have had this happen when talking with a random person in social situations.  It is how some of my closest friendships began. Perhaps I am having coffee with a new acquaintance, or chatting with a random stranger at an event. Suddenly I find myself feeling like I have known them all my life, or maybe for several lifetimes. My focus narrows in tight, the world around disappears, the conversation flows easily as if we have known each other forever, and I feel a connection form.  I love these moments.  Over the coming years, the more time we spend together, the stronger the feeling gets. The only negative? In those moments of connection I forget there are people around that can hear our conversation.  OOPS!

While the first situation can be hard to deal with, there is a way to navigate it successfully.  It's all about developing a strong sense of who you are and your self worth. A solid sense of self helps you feel more comfortable standing apart. You are in a stranger in a strange land and it is okay.  You can listen and watch, be curious, look around for another standing apart to connect with, or you choose to quietly leave.  No judgement. No worries. No stress.  

The second and third situations are truly gifts of human connection.  When they happen, be grateful for the opportunity.  Sometimes when I enter a venue full of people now, I simply pause for a bit and look around. Who catches my eye? Who do I feel drawn towards - that undefinable nudge from the universe?  I do my best to follow my heart in those situations.  It doesn't always lead to anything more than a pleasant conversation, but sometimes true magic happens.  And it is those moments the world around me diapers. A new life, a new story, a new journey to surprise me and perhaps even teach me something. I am addicted to those moments.