Versions of Reality

 "...everyone is caught up in her or her own version of reality, none more valid than the next..." - David Gelles, Mindful Work

There are times you have a thought in your mind that you just can't seem to find the right words to express.  The quote above is an example.  I have tried to say something similar many times when writing about the important and benefits of embracing a world filled with diversity.  But when I read the quote above I sat back and said yes. Just that. 

Growing up in conservative religious environment decades ago meant being taught daily there was only one truth, one way to think, one right religion, one role for men, one role for women, one role for children, one way for education to happen....  The list goes on.  While deep in my heart that never rang true. I couldn't accept the limitations, my head learned the lessons well.  That old negative tape ran in the background and it was an uphill battle to ignore it. 

There are a couple things that helped me finally get rid of the negative thoughts. First was moving from the a small town in the Midwest to a big city on the West Coast.  The restrictions weren't as tight.  We also had more TV channels to watch and my brothers and I attend big schools with a wider ranger of kids.  It was still pretty white, but not everyone went to church, or was of the same religion. Some parents were way more liberal in their beliefs, and females had more options when it came to their futures. 

Next was the arrival of the internet when my kids tweens. It took a long time for it to grow to the vast network of information (and disinformation) it is today, but the ability to get more diverse news and be exposed to a wider range of thoughts began to punch holes in the box limited views I grew up with.  Then last, and the most life changing was when I began interviewing people on their lives. You can't sit through over 100 interviews where people shared openly about their unique lives, dreams and beliefs, and come away unchanged. It took time, but one day I realized the negative voices from my childhood were finally gone. 

What has been happening in the world the last few years has been heart-breaking.  It took me so long to get to this point, and it felt like slowly but surely the world was becoming a better, kinder place. Then almost overnight it crashed back into the dark ages.  As I read the racist, homophobic remarks made regular people, and as I look at news casts ignoring the ICE illegal kidnappings, the lynchings, the lies and genocide, I think back to my journey and wonder how this could happen.

All I can come up with comes from a past where I was told only one reality was correct, and every other one was wrong.  I remember being at my nephew's wedding in a church hall in a very small town.  When a smiling, normal looking young women turned to me in the bathroom where we were washing our hands, I was expecting to be asked how I knew the couple, or where I was from. Instead she made an anti-trans remark, I paused. I wanted to go nuclear on her, but didn't want to make a scene either.  So I simply asked if she knew or had ever spoken to a trans person. She hadn't. So I encouraged her to do so, and that I would be happy to talk with her after.  

There is nothing like exposure to the wide range of people around us to build bridges instead of walls.  My kids were lucky to grown up exposed to diversity.  They met friends of ours who had a same sex marriage. We made sure they understood the vast number of careers available and encouraged them to follow their hearts. They spent time with cousins brought up in a very conservative religious atmosphere, and others that were raised with none. We discussed the different religions, why we personally didn't believe in any of them, and why, and that they were free to make their own choices, but they needed to respect our choices in return.

I am proud of this, but at the same time want to say clearly we were not perfect parents by a long shot.  Our kids were bullied which caused a lot of stress at home. We also struggled with money issues and more. I wish I could go back and re-do many things. Fortunately my kids survived and have all grown to be strong, compassionate adults now who have made the choices in life that make them happy. Now my job is to accept their reality as perfect for them. It is not my job to question their choices.

If you find you spend all your time with like-minded family and friends, it's time to open your world up wider.  Being immersed in diversity can be challenging at first, but it can become inspiring and exciting.  It allows you to feel acceptance for who you are, and to let go of being threatened or separate from your neighbors.  The world becomes a brighter, more colorful place as you are exposed to versions of reality outside your own. 

I do my best to remember all this when I meet those chained by their upbringing and community.  They are stuck in a one reality trap that isn't keeps them from growing, and distances them from others.  I can't change their minds. All I can do is let my joy in diversity show.