Building Deeper Connections

I honestly didn't understand how to make friends or build community until I was in my 50's. That's not to say I didn't have a few friends by default - I literally fell into them - but I didn't know how to reach out or build them purposefully. When I began interviewing, I found something about listening to people share their stores began to crack open the door of this mystery for me. Change didn't happen overnight. It took time. It took making mistakes. It took courage.

Now many years down the road from that initial discovery, I find myself with an expanded view of what it takes to move from making a new friend, to building our relationship into a strong, deep connection that will last. There is a recipe. The ingredients include some idle chatter, a bit of doing things together, the sharing of joy and woe, a spark of commonality, the ability to be comfortable in silence, and then the secret magic ingredient – time. It takes time.

I was listening to the audio edition of Trevor Noah's book Born a Crime when I was struck by his statement that relationships were built in silence. His point was that it takes time spent with people, observing and interacting, to build relationships - and time is what apartheid stole. While I am still pondering the wider implications from his point of view, the idea he offered stands on its own as well.

Growing up my family had enough, but not much else. We didn't go on big holidays or eat in restaurants. Most of our extended family was in the same place. What we did have is time together. We spent a week every summer at the farm with my mom's side of the family. We drove to visit my dad's side occasionally and stayed in their home. Kids camped out on the floor giggling into the wee hours. Time off, meant time spent with family sharing laughter, talking energetically, doing jigsaws, playing Rook (a card game), and enjoying a cuppa.

When my kids were growing up, we also didn't have a lot of extra cash, and unfortunately all their cousins were in the United States. However, we did have family here. Almost every month as they were growing we would find a reason to have everyone over for dinner. A jigsaw puzzle would be out and the kids would drag one of their uncles downstairs play with them. Very occasionally we would scrape together the money to go south to see my mum, two brothers and their families for Christmas. The eight cousins would be lost in games of their own, while the adults chatted, reconnected, enjoyed cuppas, and yes, played cards.

I looked around the other day and realized some of that has been lost. My kids have flown the coop. Older relations have passed. Most people I know live very busy lives. Anything more than a one-on-one can be hard to organize because of everyone's full schedule. Plans get cancelled quickly as unforeseen conflicts arise. And each time that happens I find myself less interested in trying to reschedule. Trying to gather people in one place at one time just seems like too much work.

However, when it does happen it is magic. There is something fulfilling about bringing people together in my home and serving them food created with love. Perhaps it's my background, but I find a home filled with people chatting and laughing joyfully feels way more fun that sitting in a noisy restaurant. These are the times that build connections and create new memories to bind us every closer.

When I think of the idea of relationships built in silence, I'm not thinking in the traditional sense of no sound at all. I am thinking more in terms of letting go of the need for noise and activity, relaxing into the moment, listening without talking, and simply being with one another without trying to aggressively fill the space. It's about letting conversations unfold naturally without worry. It is about the unplanned moments where magic can happen..

Connections deepen whenever we spend time together, no matter what we do. They also deepen when we are simply together in silence holding space. If it feels right just to sit with each other or walk side by side without words, then embrace that fully. Being able to be in silence with another can be a both powerful and sometimes emotional experience.  If activity, idle chatter or focused discussions are needed, that is okay as well. The only ingredient that is a must have is time. 

Make time for your loved ones. Make time to build new friendships into deeper connections. Make time for silence when you are together if it feels right. Time, in the end, is the greatest gift you can offer.