True to Your Values

"We try to live up to what we think others think of us, even at the expense of our values. Rarely, if ever, do we consciously, intentionally create our own values." - Jay Shetty

Does life ever feel like a wild carnival ride to you - the Tilt-a-Whirl, a crazy Roller Coaster, or worst of all, The Zipper. While I have ridden the first three, I get motion sick very easily and extremely severely. Even looking at The Zipper I get nauseous, so I have never bothered to try that one.  While I have more calm and control in my life now that the kids are grown and have fled the nest, I still remember times of life when it was total chaos. And there are still times now that insanity drops by for a visit. 

I know this opening might seem a little off-topic from the opening quote, but it will come together.  Being true to your own values can come early for those who grow up in families that understand how to encourage children to know themselves, to take time to explore widely, and to be true to the beliefs they come to embrace. Yes, this is possible. I have met families with this dynamic.  I wish I had been raised this way, and even more, I wish I had been better at raising my own children this way. I got it partly right, but wrong a lot of the time too. 

So on the other end if child rearing is the rest of us. We grow up in families where parents are trying to teach us the right values and beliefs.  It is they way they were brought up and society has assured them this is the best way to parent. I have learned so much after my kids were grown about building self worth, independence, and teaching kids how to learn and explore topics instead of being told what they should know. I wish I could go back and do it over again. All I can now do is treat them with respect and allow them to make their own decisions.

Those of us who grew up being told instead of taught, and penalized for not conforming, most likely have a much harder time connecting firmly to our own values and living true to them.  It takes years to unlearn what is not ours, those old negative tapes running in the background, and then figure out values to replace those we let go.  It starts with learning to trust our heart, our intuition, and then learning as we experience life what fuels our passion and brings us joy. Mistakes are made, successes are found, and they all combine to building our new inner world. 

For me, I am best at creating and living in a way reflects my values during calm times.  I have more of them now, so it is becoming easier.  But with an ADD brain always reading to hit the gas, there are times I struggle to keep my focus in tight. In moments of confusion and self-doubt, when being rushed to speak or act quickly, old lessons and habits can sneak back in and trip me up. No one likes making mistakes, but they are sometimes unavoidable.  All we can do is undo as much as we can, apologize for what we can't, and learn from the experience.

As always, there ways we can support ourselves when these times arise.  Developing new habits BEFORE a chaotic time arises can be a godsend.  One I habit I have been working on for ages and still haven't mastered well is pausing before speaking.  When chaos is swirling my mind starts racing and the words can flow out of my mouth before I've had a chance to pause and consider what I am ready to blurt out.  Almost all my community has seen me in that space.  I am improving though, but it is slow.  And if I am tired already, it is even hard to navigate a storm.  

We all have moments. There are times we are fabulous at following our values, and times our focus slips and we screw up.  It doesn't matter if we slip up because life has become a wild, disorienting ride or we are just overly tired and grumpy.  All we can do in those moments is accept, be humble, learn and move forward. You are human and this is all a part of the human experience.